Turn It Off!--The attention, that is.

Abroad you have to accept the fact that you’re different. Like it or not, your cultural concepts, your appearance, your approach all define you and people of your race/country. The great thing about being abroad is that you have the opportunity to really shine, to be who you are without the judgment of others. It’s an opportunity to break out of your shell. However, the bad thing is (to me anyway), that in being so different, vastly different than in comparative Anglo cultures, your space is always a sideshow for others. Constant fascination. While this can be fun for a while, over time it becomes exhausting and one desires privacy, escape, and their own way…permission to do things your own way without explaining why to others.

Maybe I’m different. I value my own personal time, my space, being quiet and going within. I’m used to being alone a lot, not to mention independent. Here however it’s the opposite. It's a very social environment, and everyone knows your business, or tries to anyway. There is always something going on, and although I’m learning to open myself up, I find that the level of my interactions and how I respond to those interaction are dependent on how I think I will appear (as an individual, oyinbo, etc.) in my hosts' eyes.

I think that one of the things that most bothers me at this point in time is the cultural programmings here for how a woman should be, what’s beautiful and what’s not. To call someone “skinny” here is an insult. You’re ugly if you’re thin and fair (maybe not fair...not too sure about that one). I don’t mind being ugly according to cultural standards. What I do mind, what I REALLY can’t stand, are those around me trying to make it better, to fatten me up, to watch me grow and change according to cultural standards of what’s good and beautiful.

While I’m on a roll, I am losing my amusement with people teasing me, or their reactions to my actions. While I pride myself on my amusement and my ability to take things lightly, I find this ability lacking as people watch me when I eating, dancing, etc. The teasing and talking about what I do/don't do gets to be too much at times and makes me want to paint myself into the wall. I also don’t like people laughing when I try to speak the language. I know I suck at it, as I murder the pronunciation. And usually I laugh about it, and others laugh who teach me, but there are times when I try it in front of others who are colleagues and they blatantly laugh, it’s a little disheartening. It feels undermining in someway, and again, it’s not meant to be hurtful, but I don’t like it. I guess I need to say something.

What I struggle with is nicely setting up boundaries. People don’t understand here that fat on my ass will not sit up nice like on an African ass. They don’t know that my white ass grows to be a wide, flattened pancake should I try to fatten it up. They don’t understand that my body doesn’t have built-in muscle tone that looks like I’ve been working out my entire lifetime when I haven’t worked out ever. Instead, I have to work at it. Again, the differences, values, and adopting of such are well meant, but I am losing my neutrality and know my energetic bitch is showing herself in an attempt to set boundaries.

How do you set boundaries without being a bitch, without insulting someone? How do you get your message across without hurting someone’s feelings? This is what I struggle with.